“Man, become who you are.”

A few years ago, I was listening to a talk given by one of my dear friends. Throughout the course of the talk, she consistently repeated this line over and over again, and it has stuck with me. “Man, become who you are.” Today in a particular way, I have been struck by this statement. At Mass, I was completely blown away by the fact that God wants MY heart. That He created my heart in a very specific way for a specific purpose and my entire mission in this life is to figure out who I was created to be, and mold my heart to that image. Lent is the time when the Church tells me to strip away all the things that I think are important in life, and return to the Lord with my whole heart. It is all over the liturgy throughout Lent.

“Create in me a clean heart, O Lord.”

“Rend your hearts, not your garments.”

“Your word, Lord, is spirit and life.”

“Indeed you love truth in the heart. Then in the secret of my heart, teach me wisdom.”

All of these reflections get me to thinking, who was I created to be? All good youth ministers know the answer to this question- I am a daughter of God, his beloved princess. I am beautiful, the crown of creation, and if I would just let Jesus romance me then life would be wonderful and we would dance off together into a land of no more pain and probably a TON of Starbucks coffee waiting for me. J

All of these thoughts and ideas are true. I WAS created beautiful, and women ARE the crown of creation, and God DOES want to dance with me… but the thing that I love most about lent is that it is about REAL life. Life in the dirt. Messy. Complicated. Painful & Joyful. A life that sometimes seems like there are no real answers. I wasn’t created to have a sanitized, white- washed life. I was created to have a FULL life. And a full life is messy.

I’ve been talking with friends lately about what it means to really LOVE Jesus. And for me, right now, I am feeling SO called to rethink everything. Do you ever get caught thinking, “who decided that this was the right way to live?” You graduate from college, get a job, pay your debt, get married, have kids, buy a house, and somehow that is life. And then we live telling ourselves that in order to love Jesus we just have to love others in these ordinary circumstances. And then we wonder why life still feels so unsatisfying.

But what if God wants more from you? From me? What if God wants me to live the life that I never really thought possible? I have no idea what that means, but I do know that it will involve risk. And I hate taking risks. I love being comfortable, safe, and home. But I don’t want to love comfort more than I love Jesus- that thought terrifies me. That somehow I would prefer convention to being the woman that God created me to be.

So all of these thoughts are forcing me to ask the question- who was I created to be? So, here is what I want to be:

1.      Simple- I want to be content with simplicity. Practically, that means that I want to reject materialism. I want to live justly and according to my means. I want to be debt free. I want to be satisfied with the gifts that God has given me. I want to be RIDICULOUSLY generous. I want to give to everyone who asks.

2.      Radical- I want my life to look different because I love Christ. I don’t want to live a Christianity that puts God into one box of my life, and never really makes it into other areas. I want to do things that other people think are CRAZY. Like actually sell all my stuff and give the money to the poor. Or actually live in community with others. Or, the most radical idea of all, actually ask Jesus what his dream is for my life.

3.      Beautiful- I want to RUN, not walk, RUN to beauty. I want to seek out beautiful things with my whole heart. For me this means mountains. Fabulous cups of coffee. Well-made beer. Outdoor concerts. Deep conversations. Deep Friendships. Road Trips. And Mass. And I don’t want these things just for the sake of entertainment- I want to find God through them. I also want to be a beautiful person. Not in the way that I look, but in the way that I love.

4.      Humble- I want humility. There is nothing more to say about that.

5.      Passionate- I want to be a person that speaks, acts, and lives with conviction. Even when I am wrong, I want others to respect that I took a stand. I want nothing more than to throw my whole self into every project, because to be lukewarm about anything in life seems terrible.

6.      Free- The most important to me and also the hardest. I want to be truly free in Christ. Free from fear, free from the opinions of others, free from society, free from materialism. I want to be free to love. I want to be whole.

Become who you are. Become who you are. Become who you are. Who are you? Let that thought haunt you for a while. Then ACT.

Your Story is Your Life

What if you decided to edit your life to make it a better story?

Today I was listening to a podcast entitled, “Your Story is your Life” by one of my favorite authors, Donald Miller. I highly recommend purchasing and listening to this talk, but, if you want a good summary of what he is talking about, visit Donald Miller's blog. In this talk, he asks the question- If my life was a movie, would anyone want to watch it? Or would it bore them to tears? And as I was listening to him ask these questions, I kept feeling challenged by a question of my own...

What if my story needs to be told?

For two months my friends have been encouraging me to write my thoughts out in the form of a blog. I have hesitated for a few reasons-

1.      Narcissism- In our culture today, we have a thousand different ways to say what we think about life- blogs, facebook, twitter. We can comment on any article ever written, with little to no consequences. We say things online that we would NEVER say to a friend, or in the context of a conversation. While in many ways our online existence is a blessing in communication, I think one of the negative side effects of this technology is that we have become more and more narcissistic. We seem to think that our opinion on issues actually matters more than others, and the end result- we love a little less. We become a bit more self-righteous. We stop listening to others and understanding them.

2.      I am not a writer. Some people truly have a gift with words- I realize I am not one of them.

3.      I struggle with discipline. The idea of committing to doing something every week is difficult for me to imagine accomplishing.

But, if I am going to be honest, the main reason that I have not written this a long time ago is because I have been afraid to be vulnerable. And what can be more vulnerable than sharing your thoughts with the whole world? The very thing that I criticize so often is the thing I am most afraid to do. I have to take responsibility for my opinions, thoughts, and actions. If I write something, it forces me to think through what I really think about it, and take ownership of my own opinion. And I could be wrong. People could judge me. Or worse, misunderstand me. And I HATE being wrong, judged, or misunderstood.

In his podcast, Donald Miller discusses the elements that make up a good story- a character that wants something and overcomes conflict to get it. He says that the thing that holds us back from living better stories is FEAR. Specifically, fear of conflict. Somehow this theme seems to keep coming up in my life lately. What I want more than anything in the world is to be a joyful, loving, and whole human being. I want my life to bless others. And I want to overcome my fear. Scripture tells us that “Perfect love casts out all fear.” Well, you can’t cast out fear without facing it- experiencing the conflict. So here I am. Facing my fear. I guess I’ll just consider this blog as an exercise in perfect love.