Love is the Answer

Yesterday a parent came into my office to speak to me. She wanted to talk to me because her daughter had come to me admitting what a difficult time she was having at school, and at home. Eventually, her daughter admitted to me that she was depressed. When this parent sat down in my office, I was SO nervous. What do I know about these issues? How can I comfort or console this woman? Ultimately, I am 26 years old with very little life experience- how am I supposed to even pretend to relate to what this family is going through?


So I listened. And I realized- people have REAL problems. And I do NOT. I was so humbled that this woman chose to share part of her life with me. What have I ever done to be trusted to talk to? This whole last week, I have been COMPLETELY wrapped up in my own life- my problems, my fears, what does this all mean for me. Even in adoration I am approaching Jesus telling him all about my own insecurities and what I want to happen in my life. I'm not saying that doing that is necessarily a bad thing, however, I have totally lost sight of the real world. In the real world, people are deciding if they should stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children. In the real world, middle school teens are getting bullied. In the real world, people are dying. In my world, I am obsessing over whether a boy likes me. Lame.


At times like these I realize how much farther I really have to go to grow in holiness. I just wish that God would snap his fingers and make me the woman he created me to be. I HATE that I can be so self-absorbed. Yesterday, I was talking to a friend about what it really means to love. I think I should reflect more on this idea.


Here are a few of the things I came up with:


1. Love is a choice.
2. Love is the everyday action that you take when you wake up in the morning and think to yourself- "what can I do for this person, so that he/she KNOWS that I love them today."
3. Love means caring about the other person's soul more than your own gratification. This one seems so obvious, but especially in dating relationships it seems like we have this never ending list of what we "need" from our significant other. Then suddenly, the relationship becomes about me- what I want, what I need- instead of loving the other person for exactly who they are.


It's so easy for me to practice love with friends. Or imagine loving my future spouse this way. But when push comes to shove, I am called to love EVERY person that walks through my office doors this way. That means that I have to stop thinking about myself so much. I have to start being more intentional with everyday interactions. I can't do any of this without His grace. Jesus, teach me to love.

Learning How to Die

I have alot of random thoughts inside my head right now- and I'm not sure how they all really relate. But, hey, I kind of write this blog for myself, so what does it matter if it makes no sense to anyone else?  I wrote last time about my grandma being sick- and she passed away at the beginning of this month. The events surrounding her death have truly blown me away. My family history is so long and complicated and for a long time I had given up hope that we would ever find forgiveness or healing. And my prayer for her throughout the whole experience was for her to be given the grace of a holy death. She did recieve that grace. My dad was able to stay with her the month before she died. He taught her the rosary, got her baptized, confirmed, recieving last rites and holy communion. My dad came back from Ohio a different man. He forgave his mom, and stated that taking care of her dying was "the only important thing he had ever done in his life."

These events have gotten me thinking about my own death. And how my whole life should be lived as a preparation for the gift of death. My whole life, I've never really let myself think about dying. I mean, I do, but it seems so not relevant and scary that it is easier to just ignore the reality that EVERYTHING I do should be with my death in mind. My dad said that dying was "the best thing my grandma ever did in her life." I want people to say that about me. But more so, I want my life to reflect that I believe in dying.

I went to Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains today, and was overwhelmed with the experience. I asked my grandma in heaven to pray with me for those people. I struggle so much with the "Pro-Life" movement, and how unloving it really is. All of my reflections on death have led me to the conclusion that I just want to love without holding back. Really LOVE. And somehow yelling at women through microphones with bloody baby doll parts hanging from trees just doesnt strike me as loving. I was reflecting on what I would say to a woman walking in to Planned Parenthood if I ever had a chance to, and I realized the only thing I would want to say is that she is loved. Really loved. Regardless of the decision that she makes- God wants to LOVE her.

Last weekend I went camping with a few of my friends. I don't know why I am so surprised when God chooses to spoil me. Everything about the trip seemed perfectly designed to show me how loved I am. We got there late on Saturday and all of the camping spots were full- until we prayed and God gave us a spot. We went hiking and prayed and drove through the mountains in peace. Then it started POURING down rain, which I LOVE. Everything seemed perfectly designed for REST.  I wanted my weekend to teach me how to love deeper, and that is truely what I experienced. There is something so beautiful about just letting go of myself to actually love other people the way that they deserve- regardless of how they love me back.

Lord, teach me how to love. Teach me how to live. Teach me how to die.