Reflections in Ohio

I have spent the last week in Youngstown, OH with my father's family, due to the fact that my grandmother is dying. I've never actually known anyone who was near-death and I have to admit that the experience is both frustrating and sanctifying. I have so many thoughts about this experience and it has truly been a whirlwind of emotion. And, typically, in blog posts I try to summarize what I am thinking in neat little lessons to be learned, but this time I'm finding that I just don't have the energy. I just want to write about what I am experiencing and reflecting on.

First thought- being Catholic is HARD. And I suck at it. Everything about this experience has been difficult. This town, my family who I hardly know, I just don't get it. Youngstown is one of the most economically depressed areas of the U.S. and everyone here acts like it. This place is dying- there is a noticeable lack of hope and joy in people. And I walked off the plane in Canton thinking that I would be able to spread a little hope and joy, but people don't actually want that. So instead I have been watching T.V. for 24 hours a day, eating fast food every meal, and participating in the slow death that everyone here lives.

And what I have learned about myself is not pretty. I am full of ideals and very stubborn about what I think the right thing to do is. I want to control this process. I want to FORCE my Grandma to be prayerful and think about God and turn off the damn T.V. I want to force my family to care more about the spiritual realities in the works. I want there to be healing, and reconciliation in the brokenness of our family life. I think all of these desires are healthy, but what I am slowly realizing is that sometimes even our desires for good things can be uncharitable. I think I am learning that sometimes loving someone else means just watching the damn T.V. with them. Or letting go of the fact that maybe we will never actually be that close as a family, and just praying for God to intervene. I don't know.

A few days ago, our cashier at Wal-Mart told me that it was on her bucket list to go to Colorado someday. I was floored. I almost wanted to buy her the $200 plane ticket right then on my smart phone. (Trust me, I see the arrogance). I could not comprehend how a place like Colorado might be out of reach for someone. Or that they truly don't think that they will ever make it there. On this trip I have been overwhelmed with gratitude for my life. I live in a beautiful place, surrounded by wonderful friendships, and have been given a faith that sustains me. My dreams are SO big because of the life my family provided for me. I am so thankful for my life that could have been so different.

Yesterday, I made it back to Franciscan University of Steubenville, my alma mater. To say I was overwhelmed with love would be an understatement. I met up with a household sister who was a freshman during my senior year of college. She now works at the University and proceeded to spend the hour that we met for lunch thanking me for all of the ways our household, and me in particular, reached out to her during her freshman year. She testified to all of the ways God has healed her and formed her into a smart, mature, faithful woman through the witness of our sisterhood. I was encouraged, reaffirmed, and awed by the Holy Spirit. In ministry, we always say that we are "planting seeds." Some of the things that she mentioned being so important to her- like me bombarding her with peer pressure to come to Lord's Day the minute she moved in- I don't even remember doing. All I remember about that time in my life is that I had a deep committment to the Holy Spirit moving through me. What a beautiful reminder to trust the Spirit, and that years from now, what we say or do might actually be making a difference in people's lives. 

I was able to visit the places that formed me into the woman I am today. I am so grateful to have made the decision to attend that school. I would not be Catholic if it was not for that place. I need to remember that more often. It is a place of joy and peace. 

Last but not least, did you know that there are hipster bars even in Boardman, OH? It is everywhere people. 

(Ok, truly last) G.K. Chesterton & St. Josemaria Escriva are blowing my mind. 

"The appropriate word you left unsaid: the joke you didn't tell; the cheerful smile for those that bother you; that silence when you're unjustly accused; your kind conversation with people you find boring and tactless; the daily effort to overlook one irritating detail or another in those who live with you... this, with perseverance, is indeed solid interior mortification." St. Josemaria Escriva